LONDON, DARLING, BRACE YOURSELF — MULTIMILLION-DOLLAR SHAPEWEAR IS COMING.

Sound the alarm, Bond Street and Harrods. London is about to become the capital of… no, not haute couture, not avant-garde art, not intellectual discussions on the future of design. No — it’s about to become the capital of SKIMS. Yes, that SKIMS. The shapewear brand that promises, for just $129, to smooth you out like freshly laminated paper and make you look like Kim — even if you did, God forbid, eat an extra croissant.

Kim Kardashian — modern philanthropist and high priestess of post-celebrity capitalism — has announced that her $4 billion empire will grace London in the summer of 2026. A post-Brexit UK, crippled by inflation and still searching for a decent flat white, finally has something to look forward to. Salvation is coming — and it’s made of spandex.

But this is no ordinary retail expansion. No, no. This is a spiritual export of the American Dream in compression fabric. Forget Savile Row — this isn’t tailoring. It’s precision-stitched illusionism, the 21st-century corset, three times the price and fully Instagram-approved. Comfort and control, the brand claims. Because every woman dreams of feeling empowered while being vacuum-sealed into her underwear.

Let’s be honest: this won’t be a store. It’ll be an experience. The flagship boutique will no doubt scream “future minimalism meets billionaire beige,” complete with selfie-optimized fitting rooms, limited-edition drop culture, and perhaps coconut water infused with rebalanced chakras. Because obviously, when you buy underwear, you want spiritual healing with your receipt.

What should we expect? Queues of influencers with phones angled at 45 degrees, trying to capture that “effortless” SKIMS moment in clothes engineered by a Silicon Valley algorithm. And surely, press releases praising the brand’s “celebration of diversity,” selling the same silhouette in seventeen shades of nude.

And now, if I may, let me conclude with the immortal words of the queen of cosmetic capitalism herself:

“It’s all about confidence.”

Of course, darling. Confidence — brought to you by contouring, $150 panties, and seventeen layers of digital filters. But hey — if you can buy the body, why bother with therapy?

If SKIMS is truly “changing women’s lives,” then maybe Kim should open a chain of mental health clinics. After all, the pressure to look like a FaceTune filter has never been more tastefully packaged.

Photos courtesy of Yahoo Finance